All the Wands, in Reverse

Image description: the classic Rider-Waite Ace of Wands in reverse set on a side table.


Get in loser, we’re postponing creative projects even though it makes us feel unstable and anxious.

All right, so maybe I’m driving the struggle bus, but I invite you to come along if you need a ride.

Look, I have so many projects. Projects for days. Weeks. Months. Years.

Book projects, film projects, art projects.

Planned and outlined and blueprinted.

Still needing research and touch-ups.

And still needing to be written or produced.

Buuut no.

If you had told me about this whole pandemic thing, from a creative perspective, I would have said THIS IS MY TIME. I always work better under times of disruption. I don’t mean to downplay the real guttural trauma and tragedies this time has wrought for so many. But from my own experiences rooted in some pretty gnarly times, I at least know I get sh&t done in survival mode.

Except as it turned out I had to live in double survival mode. Pandemic? Check. Getting a tumor removed and being diagnosed with an immune disorder in March-April right on the outset of a pandemic?

Welp. Check, check, check.

I put my creative projects on hold this summer to focus on healing and everything else that was happening. And I don’t regret it. I needed that time and that time was absolutely invaluable even though I wasn’t being productive creatively.

It also let me take a step back and change the direction of where I wanted my creative vision and projects to go moving forward, and I’m so grateful to have gained that perspective.

But time has worn on and I planned for autumn to be very productive.

My plans were best laid, but they aren’t f&cking happening.

Some things have gotten worse. Pandemic-wise in my locality the numbers and spread are far more severe than they were in April and said immune disorder has me a bit… oh… concerned about that.

But not everything is worse. I’m still healing but I’m worlds better than where I was. And something unexpected but very good has also happened in my life. Which is great but going to take a lot of time and mind energy for a while.

So I finally had to face the fact that the project I was going to try like hell to get produced this fall is going to have to be postponed. And my schedule of projects and books, essentially, can’t be rescheduled for quite some time. I mean… I can try. But they’re going to be more like… very unlikely hopes than an actual plan.

And that really bothers me.

Part of me still has that creative critic inside wailing if you aren’t working on projects then you’re just talking about it and if you’re just talking about it you aren’t really a writer or artist.

Honk, honk, struggle bus coming through.

I tried to get some insight by turning to my tarot. And the wands that showed up were staggering. Look at all that creative energy just itching for action.

Yeah. But one small detail.

All of them were in reverse.

I read in the morning, I pulled in the evening, I dumped the whole deck on the floor and waited three days.

Wands wands wands, all in reverse.

Disruption, delays, doubt.

Yes, I cried, but what to do about it? Helpful cards like the Hermit and the Moon showed up.

(Very. F&cking. Helpful.)

Oh, and King of Cups but I’m certain he just felt bad for me. (Is there such a thing as a pity pull? Don’t answer that.)

Well, well. I’ve been around long enough to know that, for me, if I can’t have action I turn to acceptance.

I won’t be doing the big project I wanted to do this fall, but maybe the timing will work out better this way. At least I’ll know I won’t cut corners when I do get the opportunity to work on it.

Plus, I have much to be grateful for and I have many, many smaller projects to work on, in smaller pieces, as I can. So I will.

A pot fills one drop at a time and I’m still moving forward.

For now that’s what matters. For now, that is where I will give my focus. It is good and it is enough. For now.



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